Original Humor

Every time I do an internet search my browser gets crammed with google-d-goop.

"Jim Beam" me up Scotty .

A very stylish, but laid-back girl: Lucy Gucci.

Have a nice bidet .

Viagra ... "Makes you Long for the good Old days"

Infodel ... Someone who does not believe the facts you just gave them.

You heard of the Cajun yell, "AAA-EEE".
Well, it was started in New Orleans by a fiddler yelling at a saxophone player who wanted to play in Bb and F.

Cheap Vampire ... Discount Dracula .

Think Waylon Jennings as you sing:
Miranda - read me my rights.
I done got caught with a gun and a knife.
Miranda - the future ain't bright.
I could be lookin' at twenty to life.

For talk radio buffs ... I think, therefore I " a.m. " .

Incest : Rolling your own .

Gay C & W Band ... "Outlaws of the Jism Trail" Their album, "REALLY PICKY"

C & W Band ... "Buck Futt and the Backup Band"

Hey Gladys ... Show us your Pips!

Subject: Sodium Dream.... Nov 8th, 2008, 8am.
The waitress at the German restaurant asked me if I liked my food. (she had a very heavy accent)
I said, "It could use some help."
She said, "Vud you like some sodium?"
I said, "What kind?"
She said, "Vee use a mixture of sodium chloride und sodium pentathol."
I said, "Really!"
She added conspiratorially ... "Ya ... it brings out the TRUE flavor."
I woke up laughing.

Transvestite Country Band ... "The Chicksie Dicks"

Retro Surf Band ... "Grateful Dude"

Punk Rock Tejano Band: "Nuevo Wavo".

Wimpy Rock Band: "Stepenwusse". Their album ... "Born to be Mild"

Satanic Redneck Band: "Beelzebubba"

Drugged out rock band ... "The Residudes".

Satanic Cajun Night Club ... "The Beastreaux"

Very tranquil female country singer ... "Patsy Klonopin"

Red-Neck Bolero Dancer ... "Bessie Mae Mucho"

From the Surgeon General:
Thank you for effort to control over-population of the planet.
Your early demise from smoking will be appreciated by a new-born seeking space to celebrate life.

Q. What do you call the pursuit of recreation that requires going out on a clear night, playing dice and shooting someone.
A. Stagger Leisure.

For Dave Letterman ... "Stupid Dominatrix"

Laguna Madre ... The Mother of all Lagoons

Upscale Laxatives ... Poop DeVille -- Luxe Bowels

C & W song title ... "You made my day last night"

About Gilley's: I was told when I first started playing there that the Gilley "Regulars" were a rough crowd. I responded, "It must be all that roughage that keeps 'em regular."

Geologist get their rocks anywhere!

Very slow songs:
a. The Quaalude Etude
b. Three More Steps to the Gallows Waltz

Sex is a "Disrobic Exercise".

Rollin', rollin', rollin'. Keep those doobies rollin'. Keep those doobies rollin'. Get high!

A Gilley's parody song... the final months: "This Is Where The Cowboy Rots Away"

What's Ma Bell's first name? Michelle!

Everybody, everybody eatz-a macaroni.
It taste-a real good and-a that's no bologni.
You betta cook enough to feed Vito and Tony.
Ay Macaroni.

Girl's Country song: "I got over you, when I got under him"

Good Oral Sex: "Living in the Lip of Luxury"

Elvis' weight loss company: "Return To Slender"

Pasadena, Tx. sandwich shop ... "Urban Po'Boy"

Puboscisity: When you first get your nose hairs.

Medicine for menstrual pain: "Aide du Cramp"

You light up my loaf.

A black soul singer: Jermain Squeeze
A black astronaut: Dwight Stuff

My insurance company: Lloyds of Lubbock

A girl who is sure of herself has "Selfcuntfidence".

Tranquilizers for dogs: "K-Ludes"

Band to crowd: It's time for a break. Let's go get some "BREAK FLUID".

Redheads are Pigmentationally Challenged.

Restaurant name, "A Meal For Real".

The Las Vegas bulldyke: Burly Psychodildo.
My imaginary friends, K. Y. Julie, Amy Nitrate and Annie Price.

Compare: The whale's and the dolphin's blowhole to the human fontanel. Could they be related?

Cocaine abuse was getting so bad in Major League Baseball the commissioner decided to put a tenth man on the field to keep the other players from using it during the game. Naturally, he was called the "Snortstop". The players were all for an extra guy out there to give them a hand, but they said, "Hey, let's follow baseball tradition. You know, like, 1st base, 2nd base, 3rd base, FREE-BASE"!

New Words:
Pussability ....... A chance to get laid.
Spontanudity ... A sudden removal of clothing.
Rejivenation ..... Becoming hip again.

Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders motto: We got the butts to drive you nuts!

$$$h! Hush Money.

The Happy Hooker---Cervix with a Smile.
Bank--Let's get Fi$cal.
Gym--The Joy of Flex.

The Autopsy-turvey world of Forensic Medicine.

Marijuana is the answer. I forgot the question.

A drummer and a woodpecker were jammin' together. The woodpecker told the drummer, "Man, your time is impeccable." The drummer replied, "Well, your peck is untimeable."

Intercourse during her period: "Rolling with the Flow"

Constantly talking dirty: Porntification.

Removing the vocals cords from a snake: "Hissterectomy"

My "SAGE" jokes:
The Sensuous Woman saved at Sage .... She had it coming.
Christopher Columbus saved at Sage .... $14.92

For Johnny Williams: "Stand By Your PacMan"

My equilibrium is a bittle it off!

Roses are red. Soap makes bubbles.
Sorry 'bout your monthly troubles.
But sure as spring brings out the clover,
I'll get your ass when they are over!

Gay bar: "The White Swallow" ... Where they drink, "Harvey's Pistol Creme" !

"Sir Vic's Liquor"

My girlfriend calls me "Laser". Cause I "Laser" every chance I get.

Trying to Schnapp a losing streak.

Girls from S. Africa are "Hot and Botha'd".

"How are you Leo?" ... "One of the Best!"
"You have a good one." .... "Thanks for noticing."
"How are you?" ... "Why don't you try me."

I once made a German girl experience multiple "Farfignugans" in the backseat of a Volkswagon.

I once said to a very pretty lady judge, "Oh Baby! I'd sure like to 'Clog your Docket'."

For Richard Pryor: "The Free-Basin' Street Blues".

Drag Queen Salad with Cross Dressing !

Wife: You forgot something today.
Husband: Please don't make me guess, just tell me.
Wife: O.K., today was TRASH DAY.
Husband: I'm sorry, honey. I didn't get you a present or even a card. Can I take you out to dinner tonight?
This actually occured between my wife Darla and I. She didn't find it funny at the time, but now she does.

Pink Floyd Tillman, Boy George Jones, Minnie Pearl Jam, Stevie Ray Vaughn Monroe.

Bass players like it on the bottom.

For Fred Flinstone and Nike: "Just Yabba Dabba Do It" !

Dyslexics are a pain. They always spit in my "Tips" jar!

Elvis named "Graceland" after his favorite prayer!

I drove past the rock group "Judas Priest's" house during Christmas time. They had a well-lighted display of Santa and his reindeer. The weird thing was ... if you drove past it going backwards it looked like Satan and a pack of wild dogs!

A combination saloon and golf practice facility: "Drink And Drive"

"Star Wars' Beans" ... May The Farts Be With You!

A Sports Stadium built strictly for women's competition: "The EstroDome"

This happened on a Monday night at the Cap's gig.
Somebody requested a Michael Jackson song and Mike Hammond said he didn't know any.
Then he asked me, "What's Michael Jackson doing these days".
Without hesitation I said, "I hear he's studying for the priesthood!"
When the laughing died down, I added, "Yeah, he says he wants to be where the action is!"
More laughing. I love it when I get a set-up like that.

In 1996 I entered the computer age. My humor link was soon connected:

You never forget your first download.

Your interface or mine?

The "Third World Wide Web" ... Only one search engine, and it's steam.

What do you call it when a woman has sex via the internet?
She got E-Nailed !

A Virtual GraveYard: The "Cybertery" www.inter.net

Mel Tillis's Web Address...www.d-d-d-.com

Elvis has left the Chat Room.

The "Act Of Contrition" AirBag. Available now in English, Italian and Latin.

I saw a girl one night with a huge butt and bird-legs.
I pointed her out to a friend saying, "Check out that girl, it looks like her butt sucked all the juice from her legs."
Then it hit me to say, "Oh!, I know what that's called. Ass-mosis!"

Doll: "Tickle Me Elvis"
Ooh Baby, Thank ya, Thank ya very much. Oh Yeah, a little faster honey. Hoo Hoo Hoo, That's nice honey. Thank ya, Thank ya very much!

I once broke the tip of a finger in a bizarre bathroom door-slamming accident. I was playing keyboards at the time and got a lot of sympathetic inquiries. I really liked it when a girl would ask, "Leo, how's your finger?".
That, of course gave me the chance to quip, "Not half as good as my tongue!"

"Sun Tea" with "Moon Ice"

Friends don't let friends listen to Rap.

After we finished playing "One O'Clock Jump", Erik Olsen said to the band, I wonder how he got the name, "Count Basie"?
I replied,"Probably, because "Count Trebly" was already taken".

We played a gig at a mansion in Bellaire last Saturday night. A 20,000 sq. ft. house with a 1.5 acre pond!! 13 Million. Very impressive and tasteful. It belonged to the doctor who did the plastic surgery on Marvin Zindler. Erik told me the doctor wrote a book about his experiences with Zindler.
I quipped, "What did he call it, Carvin' Marvin".

On Mondays it is sit-in or open-mic night at Cap's.
One night a guy came up wanting to sing wearing a chef's apron.
Ronnie Hall looked at me and asked, "I wonder what's with the apron?".
I didn't miss a beat. I said, "He must have heard we had a cookin' band"!
Ronnie gave me a drum roll for that one.

How About Some Good Old PC Obfuscation?
Since NiteBeat plays with sequences, we are constantly asked why we don't have a drummer.
Tonight, while on break, a slightly tipsy dude came up to me and once again posed the now familiar question.
I tried to look very serious when I told him, "the position was eliminated to reduce our carbon footprint."
He nodded as if understanding and melted back into the crowd.

"Karaoke Syndrome"
The malady that drives singers to attempt to sing songs that best expose their weaknesses.
BTW ... I've seen this affect amateur as well as professional singers.

Help stamp out this pernicious disease.
Send your contributions to:

It was the smil-h.gif - 243 Bytes of times. It was the smil-s.gif - 249 Bytes of times. Charles Dickens

SuperBowl XXXVIII-D .... Thanks, Janet.

"Will the last Anglo out of Texas please turn on the beans."

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This page and all it's contents are Copyright © 1996 by Leo O'Neil, Crosby, Texas -- U.S.A.