Tiny Piece of a Star
Dollars Per Base

Tiny Piece Of A Star

This Sunday morning after being awakened by the "Kiddy Cartoons" blaring on the TV, I dragged myself into the den and plopped down next to my wife on the couch.
She was reading an article in the Las Vegas "SUN" about atomic research.
As she flipped the paper close, index finger marking her place, a picture of the now familiar mushroom-shaped cloud appeared on the cover.
"Isn't this a shame," she said, "all this testing, and going on right in our own back yard."
"Not that bad hon, " I replied, "nuclear reactions are happening all over this universe."
This statement prompted one of her "what kind of trip were you on last night" looks and a dash into the kitchen to get the coffee going.
I sat half asleep for a moment, until suddenly my eyes popped open, staring at the picture of the atomic blast.
Then it really hit me.
Nuclear explosions are prevalent in this world.
So are stars. And stars are always having nuclear reactions.
Stretch it a bit and you could reason that God must be happiest as a star, since there are so many of them around.
Then a unique creation scene drifted across my mind ... I envisioned two stars, whirling around each other. One male, one female. Faster and faster they spun until they fused into one. Then a fiery orgasm spread out into space.
I saw planets forming out of purple clouds, cooling into green forests with little children chasing mosquito-hawks.
It was right then, that I really felt like a "tiny piece of a star".
And suddenly I realized how much all of us act like kin to the stars.
The first "starry" thing we did was invent fire. This act of chance has been heralded as early man's greatest achievement.
And we worship stars ... gods of mythology and pagan sects, imaginary beings traced into constellations, our Sun, our movie idols, diamonds, fire, bright lights ... to anything that shines we pay tribute.
And there is more to show how much we are affected by stars.
Consider how much we spend on space programs, with the hope of visiting our neighbor stars. How about all the telescopes, tanning oil and Solarcaine. We even try to send messages to stars. And listen to stars. And of course, produce nuclear bombs.
And isn't it unusual how much mushrooms and nuclear clouds resemble each other. Could it be that mushrooms just remember how they used to be.
All life here depends on our star, but some species clearly show the connection.
For instance birds and butterflies with their stellar navigation. And how about fireflies, and bees with their polarized eyes. And we humans are turned into "starry-eyed" lovers by the aphrodisiac power of a star-studded night.
On the downside, just as the sun uses up a vast quantity of it's own matter, we also seem to have a burning desire to consume our planet.
And finally, I thought, it is now quite in vogue to be cremated for your last fling.
When I do mine I'll invite all you "pyros" to watch.
"Honey, you ready for coffee?"
"No thanks, I just started a mushroom diet!"


My son Tim told me he and his wife Brandy were upset over their son Karl's new radical haircut.
It was described as long on top and shaved on the bottom.
I too, considered that style more buffoon than Sassoon and suggested that they introduce Karl to some teen fashion 'zines, so he could make an informed decision on how to wear his hair.
After we said goodbye, I started thinking how kids must love to shock their parents by getting these weird 'doos.
Hair down to the butt, the mushroom, punk spikes and I'm sure, many more unknown to me.
When I was a teen(mid 1950's), the strangest cut was the "Mohawk"(one strip of buzz-cut hair right down the middle of the head). This was very rare, however, and usually only worn for a short period of time.
I guess the closest thing we had to a far-out fringe group was the "Cats", and they wore their hair in a style called "DuckTails". But, it wasn't really that wild a look. Just long in the back, with both sides combed toward the center.
To limn the difference in generations, I'll tell you about my hair trouble.
Well, in a nutshell, men got their sideburns shaved and kids didn't.
When I was in my early teens, I asked the barber to shave my sideburns the way the men had theirs' done. He did this reluctantly, cause he knew I was still a little young for this style.
My dad really got mad at this egregious act and punished me with a week of confinement to the house. Of course, I had to have my 'burns shaved off as well.
And now, to put things in perspective: In this day and age, kids shock their parents by getting some very outlandish haircuts.
And when I was a teen, I got in BIG trouble for wanting to look like my Dad!

Dollars Per Base

This is strictly an offensive stat. I thought of it while at Minute Maid Field (The JuiceBox) watching a low scoring game.
It is a players salary divided by the number of bases he either advances himself or one of his teamates.
Here are some examples:
The player hits a single. 1 credit.
He hits a single with two men on, and they both advance. 3 credits.
A homerun is 4 credits.
A homerun with men on first and second. 9 credits.
You get the idea.
So, if a player is paid 6 mil a year and averages 5 credits a game. 5 X 162=810.
6,000,000 divided by 810 = $7407.00 per base.
Lots of money.


In April of 1998 an announcement was made of a sensational new drug that would cure impotence.
The only "downside" was that continued use would affect your vision. Remember, "Can I do it till I need glasses"?
In this case, however, the worse that could happen was that you would see everything with a "blue tint" to it. Hey, I'll risk it.

"The Viagra Blues"

I got the Viagra Blues, but I don't feel that bad.
Cause the Viagra Blues is worth it for the lovin' I had.
Well, I took a double dose about quarter to ten
and around midnight she said, do it again.
Oh, the Viagra Blues, don't make you feel that bad!

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New cologne for horny old men: "Aqua Viagra"


I was having a millennium moment today and came up with (at last) an original piece of Y2K humor.
Here's my way of writing January 1, 2000:

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This page and all it's contents are Copyright © 1996 by Leo O'Neil, Crosby, Texas -- U.S.A.