I used to tease the order-takers at "Jack in the Box" and ask for
a cup of "Jack 'offee". Most times I was politely ignored, but one
fast ad-libber came right back with, "Uh, extra cream with that?"
My good buddy Lewis Brannan and I were having dinner at a gig we
were doing with Dean Scott. The conversation with the other diners
got around to what we did in the band. Lew said he played guitar and
sang. I then said I played keyboards and trombone. A lady then asked
me if I sang. I jokingly said, "Oh yeah, I sing like a bird, a VULTURE !"
Lewis jumped right on that one and added, "Yeah, he has trouble
CARRION a tune!"
First Plane Ride
My ex, Darla was very nervous right before her first trip on an
airplane. Relying on her limited knowledge of aircraft
structure and previous reports she had heard about plane
crashes, she implored me while tightly squeezing my hand,
"Please Leo, whatever you do, don't let them seat me anywhere
near the fusilage!"
Ball and Chain
My good friend, Johnny Williams got married while we were gigging at the Rubaiyat
Club. When he returned from his honeymoon the guys assembled
to get his views on married life. Someone suggested that he should
be wary of the fact that women want to control you.
He replied, "Oh, I know that. Already she said she wants me to stop
I once mentioned to a co-worker at Gilley's, (who's name I can't
remember), that I had heard the song, "Let The Good Times Roll"
in a toilet-paper commercial and that I considered it a weird
choice of music.
She replied, "Well, it's not a bad as using "Twist And Shout" for a
laxative commercial !"
While telling Lewis Brannan about my trip to Jamaica, I
said the only thing I didn't like was the Jerk Chicken.
I went on to say that it tasted like it had been marinated in
He quickly asked, "Is that what they call 'SKOL Food'?"
A little later in the conversation we were joined by Kirby
Lammers. The topic of Dexter Giraud's recent optical surgery
came up and I related the story I had heard on the radio
about a piece of tooth being used to restore a man's sight.
Kirby brightened, "Oh Yeah, I heard that too. They used
his Eye Tooth!"
One evening my ex, Darla and I were watching a show about Naval air power.
She took special interest in the planes landing on a carrier and
exclaimed, "Damn! Those planes must have some incredible brakes
to be able to land in that short a distance!"
Sure, I ruined it for her and pointed out the cables.
While tuning my car radio the other day, I came across
a gay talk show on the FM band. I had to listen for a
minute, since I had never heard of such.
It turned out to be a round-table discussion about an
act of self-immolation that took place in Rome, Italy.
Someone had traveled to Vatican Square and set
himself on fire in protest to the Catholic Church's
intolerance of homosexual behavior.
It was reported that in one last act of defiance, he,
while burning, struggled to his feet and ran toward the cathedral where he finally collapsed.
All the panelist made remarks about how dreadful it was that things like this had to happen. Then, one
member posed the question as to why the martyr
journeyed all the way to Rome to stage his protest.
After a beat or two one fellow said, "Perhaps he
chose 'Saint Peter's' to make a 'Point'!"
My good friend Bert Frilot once asked, "Now what do you suppose a neutered male dog is
thinking when he sniffs a female that's in heat?"
"Hmm! That smells like something that used to TURN ME ON !"
One night at Gilley's, while in a playful mood (drunk), I thought
I'd tease the Oriental girl who worked as a waitress in the
I asked her, "Kim, is it true that you Oriental girl's pussies run sideways?"
With an impish smile, she replied, "What you want to know for, you harmonica player?"
Just for the heck of it, try this:
Turn your computer mouse around and drag the little fellow by it's tail; 'right click' when the instructions say 'left click' and vice a versa.
Difficult? Maybe to us mere mortals, but not to computer pioneer Electa Porchia, wife of singer, Big Otis Porchia.
This is the singularly most unique thing I have ever witnessed and it has earned Electa and her unique 'mousetique' a very special place on these Heroes pages.
When first I saw her do it, my first thought was to show her the conventional way. But thankfully, something inside my brain said, NO, let her alone, this is priceless.
I've watched her use her computer over the last few years and must admit she is not at all hindered by this antipodal approach.
Electa, we love ya, please don't ever change.
Perhaps there are two ways to skin a cat ... er, mouse!
Before going on a skiing trip, my wife at the time, Darla, and I were visiting her parents and her elderly, hard of hearing grandmother.
At one point during the visit I decided to demonstrate some of the techniques of skiing.
I stood in the middle of the living room, and playing like I had poles in my hands, and skis on my feet, went through the motions of the snow-plow, stem christy and a few other skiing moves.
Of course, granny did not know what I was doing, as she could not hear the narrative that accompanied the action.
And, we all got a huge laugh when she clapped her hands together and said, "Ooh Boy, that Leo sure can dance!"
The day I was scheduled to have a colonoscopy at the V. A. Hospital, I was awakened by a nurse who said cheerfully, “Good Morning Mr. O’Neil, it’s time to take your enema.”
Later, when I returned from the bathroom, my room mate said, “You know, it’s so much nicer when someone wakes you up with a cup of coffee!”
Answer The Door
During a visit in New Orleans with my sister, Betty, I came back to the house after 11 pm without a key.
I knocked on the door and when she came, she didn't want to open up without finding out who was there at that hour.
In typical New Orleans fashion she asked, "Who Dat"?
Trying to be funny I responded, "Who DAT"?
Never wanting to be outdone, Betty replied, "Who say 'Who Dat' when I say, Who Dat"?
She could tell from my laugh that it was me!